I was afraid they will think I’m gay

by | Nov 9, 2015

I never thought I will let another man touch my intimate parts.

After me and Agni had problems in our intimacy, we wanted to explore to see how we can have better sex, what else is possible. We were both stuck.

We enjoyed having it, but there was always something missing, the strong passion and release of energy we both experienced when we had tantric sex with our previous partner.

I am about to share my personal experience.

Anything written is not to be taken as anything else than just my experience, not the truth or statement about anything. You are responsible for your emotions and actions you take after reading this.

Agni told a friend who was also a tantra expert that I have lots of emotional blockage in my hips and my groin. The friend suggested I have a tantric massage.

When Agni told me that, I felt like, no no. I don’t want that. I was embarrassed of doing it with a man, especially a tantric one.

I was convinced if I do this it would be like confessing that I had thoughts about being intimate with a man, or that I am also gay.

I saw how afraid I was of letting a man come close to intimate parts.

This felt so threatening, embarrassing and confronting. And I thought this is a fear.

And if is such a strong fear and so much emotional drama about it, it must be influencing my life. It is definitely not letting me be free.

I said to myself, I choose to experience this no matter what. In will not let fear and judgements run my life. I will face it. I want to go over my fear and see what is on the other side.

To be honest, in that moment, besides being such an awkward moment, it also felt exciting. Especially when Agni would be there assisting, it would be kind of easier, so I am not alone with a man.

I started to hear so many thoughts coming through my mind. All the silent curiosity of being able to explore. I could also hear all the judgments in my head.

“If you do that you are gay!”

“Everyone will laugh at you, you will be judged and humiliated. Ha ha, George, we always knew you were into men.” All this was going on in my head. And I choose to face it head on.

F… that!! I will do what I want. 

These guys were there to assist me to get rid of my fear and bring me freedom I actually seek.

So there I was.

A relaxing ambient music playing, fire burning in the fire place, beautiful lavender incense, and we were all dressed in silk scarfs.

First they went around me, sensing my energy, from head to toes. Then they covered my eyes with a piece of cloth and escorted me to the mattress on the floor.

They went through my hands, feet, back, legs, head. They were very gentle and I could feel their love expression. I felt special, loved and divine.

They massaged every part of my body with such care I have never experienced before.

All of the time I didn’t know who was doing what.

I couldn’t distinguish his or her hands. It was challenging but I would let go of the thoughts of being scared and embarrassed. I accepted their love and just let myself experience whatever was there for me.

Eventually one of them took of my silk scarf. Then they turned me on my back.

And when they came to my intimate parts, I let go of everything. I felt joy, love, flow of energy.

A beautiful sensation of being connected went over me. I felt like my body is sacred and that it also doesn’t belong to me. I felt that I got this body from god to experience life.

I felt a presence of god, and felt an overwhelming joy and gratitude of having this body to be able to experience what I am experiencing.

I never thought I would be talking about sex and god at the same time. Not like this.

My thoughts on what just happened …

I now feel there is nothing wrong by exploring your sexuality. Quite the opposite. I believe it is a way to really discover yourself, as who you are about sex, what do you like, enjoy.

It can be fun! It can be as children playing, innocent.

Well that’s how you can see it if you accept there is nothing wrong with exploring and that whatever you enjoy from the depths of your heart is ok. You are here to experience the richness of life and that is why you have a body to do that.

For me it was a very spiritual experience.

And I am excited of this new freedom I have today. I am no longer limited, I am unlimited :) Infinite amount of experiences await out there in the world.

It is a good thing we are walking, as this is the best opportunity to go out and play.

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