I became free from what dad thinks – continuation of the chili story
It felt like somebody would be sticking a knife into my heart, a very unpleasant constant feeling of pain. I was wondering why does it still hurt me so much? I thought just got free of it 2 days ago…
I’ve recently learned to stop resisting the unwanted feeling.
So I sat down and just let it be in me. I felt it with all my body cells. All my body was in pain. After few minutes it shifted into something else, and that into something else,… And after 20 minutes of just observing my body sensations, I felt relieved and clear.
I realized I always reacted as a victim to such comments. I’d justify and try to convince my dad (or someone else) to see the good in me and in what I’m doing.
However, now, after not resisting to feel the pain and just accepting it in my body, I got detached from my dad’s opinion. I saw him from the outside of our “baloon”.
I wrote him a letter, and I told him something like this: “The most important thing for me is that I chose my way of life, and this way of life is setting me free, I am inspired by it and by what I do, and it lifts me up. I see I make no harm to anybody, the contrary. I am making this world a better place.
I can understand that you don’t see my logic behind it, because my lifestyle is not “normal” and the majority of the society doesn’t understand it.
Maybe one day you will understand what I do and why I do it. I wish you could see what others that meet me and get to know me, see in me. And appreciate me. Anyway, this is not my concern. It is your choice and I leave it to you.”
I think it is important to see that we have our own perspective on how we see things. It is important to not take it personally, even if it is the view of someone who you really care about and is close to you.
We always see things from our own life experience. For my dad it would be best if I stayed in Slovenia, lived in a house, had a job as an architect and had a baby. For me, his ideal way of life at the moment just wouldn’t make me happy.
By sending an email to my dad and expressing myself, and even feeling proud of myself while writing, I freed myself from the old story I lived in for almost 31 years. I freed myself from being a victim, trying to please people around me and justify what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.
I feel I’m detached from those old family patterns that served nobody. I am no longer my dad’s child. I am on my own. And the most important, I still love him, no matter what he thinks of me. And I love you, no matter what you think of me. <3