I was in prison for 29 years for eating a chili, my story
I was in prison for 29 years for eating a chili. I remember always being suppressed and worried about what others will think of me. It could say it was a long goodbye to my freedom and self-expression. And it all happened because of … innocent child curiosity. All about how it happened below:
I must be around 2 years old. Me and my parents are visiting some family friends. We are in the kitchen, them all sitting at the table, and me, curious little thing, wandering around, exploring interesting things I’ve never seen before.
There is something that especially catches my attention, something in a nice attractive red color. Chili!! 🌶 I pick it, put it in my mouth and bite. Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa!!!
My parents get anxious, they try to clean my mouth with water, and I am still screaming like someone would be literally killing me right there. They seem confused, not knowing what to do with me. I think they tried various things.
The next thing I remember is I am sitting in my mum’s lap behind the table, with all my mouth in pain, and all of those 5 people there staring at me. I feel so ashamed for what I just did. If only I could disappear from the picture and leave them alone, so I don’t cause more troubles for people. Their faces look upset. I can hear my father’s thoughts saying “how can you be so stupid to put chili in your mouth!!” 😠
Right then I created few stories that ran and defined all of my life:
– I can’t trust myself (my decisions/choices are stupid)
– I am stupid, because what I do is stupid
– I have to listen to others or check with others on what I can do
Now… What would a life of someone living with those stories look like?
Yep, careful, always cautious of what I do and if someone sees me doing it, thinking of what they think, feeling something and not expressing it, wanting something and doubting myself, checking with other people’s opinions. And even if I was doing what I loved, I’d always needed to have at least someone around supporting me.
George was my perfect match. Safety cushion! I was never alone and I could always get his support.
However, being with him and having an ally didn’t set me free…
Once I recalled this chili memory, I did a new exercise we’re doing now.
I laid down and felt the emotions I felt when I was 2. I felt incapable, ashamed, and guilty. I completely surrendered to those feelings (that until this moment were suppressed, too. I was resisting them all my life).
Then I spoke to my inner child, to 2 year old Urska at that time, and told her whatever I felt would make her calm. I said:
“I understand how you feel. Of course, you don’t want to upset people. It’s understandable.
And you know what Urska? You did the right thing. How could you know that this chili will make your mouth burn? You couldn’t! You came to this life to explore the world. And until you try something new, you don’t know how it is. And you learn with each experience. Some experiences are going to be painful, some are going to be beautiful. So just continue exploring! Have fun with it!
Also, you can understand that your parents were upset. They were in panic, not knowing how to help you. They were afraid! They probably felt guilty for leaving you to wander around and putting chili in your mouth. They must have thought that if they had you in their lap, all this wouldn’t have happened. Remember one thing: whatever you do, you don’t directly affect other people’s feelings! They are always reacting from their own concerns they have about themselves.
In any case, you are a free human being and continue exploring the world! And remember, you can not make a mistake. Everything you do is ok. It will be a new enriching life lesson. Allow you to express yourself. You are amazing. I love you.”
Speaking to my inner child made me feel complete and at peace.
I have had enough of suppressing myself and not standing for myself and what I believe in. I’ve had enough of pleasing people and doubting myself and in my own choices. I am free!
One interesting thing that always happens… Once we human beings have a transformation, or we see something new, like a new possibility for our life, the Universe gives us a test. A test where we get challenged by that same thing we just “got”. I got it two days after! HERE you can read how my self-expression and confidence got challenged again… It hurt. And that same thing freed me up too.